


Illusion of Normalcy

by SEMellark



Category: Free!
Genre: M/M, Sappy, ps Haru had the night of his life after Makoto read the letter, they both probably cried idk
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-01
Updated: 2014-11-01
Packaged: 2018-02-23 13:00:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,512
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2548376
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SEMellark/pseuds/SEMellark
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Haruka writes a letter to tell Makoto what he can't say out loud.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Illusion of Normalcy

Makoto,

When we were kids, you acted as my voice. It was easier to pretend that I was okay with what was going on around me, but you were the one who noticed, the only one who seemed to care, and you spoke for me. I’ve never been good at saying what I mean, as I’m sure you know more than anyone. It’s something I’ve been working on, but Rome didn’t fall in a day.

That’s why I’m writing this down on paper, to make sure I get my point across with no room for miscommunication, to say here what I can’t say to your face.

That being said, I’m not sure what I’m trying to tell you. You know me so well, whatever I do end up saying will most likely be things that you’ve known for years. You were always frustrating like that, sitting there with that smile on your face as I waged an internal battle with myself, struggling to put nonexistent words to thoughts that barely made sense to me.

“It’s okay, Haru.” You would say. “I understand.” (By the way, you didn’t have to sit there and let me make an ass of myself. If you were trying to teach me a lesson about communication, I appreciate the effort, but really?)

I owe it to you to try, though, for all those years you put up with me without any indication that I still cared. I know high school was terrifying enough at first without having to deal with your best friend partially ignoring your existence. I feel I should say now that I didn’t forget about you. I never stopped caring. I just forgot how to express it for a while.

You probably already knew that, but still.

Over the years, I’ve come to better understand how ridiculous I acted back then. Yes, Rin and I parted on bad terms, and Nagisa vanished as if he’d never existed at all, but you never went anywhere. Even still, I moped and withdrew. I enforced my solitude up in that house and made you come to me. And you never complained. You climbed those steps so much that you were almost a permanent fixture.

The only thing I could ever do was leave the door to the house unlocked for you. In every other sense, I shut you out, and I’m sorry.

You were so strong to put up with it. I don’t think I’ll ever stop being impressed by that, by you. You’re a quiet person, but you show your drive and determination in subtle ways, like coming to pull me out of the tub every morning. As Rei would say, you’re a lover, not a fighter.

But when it came down to it… thank you, Makoto. Thank you for fighting for me.

I thank you for my life, because without you, it would’ve remained stagnate. Rin, Nagisa, Rei, Kou, and the others played a part as well, but not as wholly as you played yours. Even back then, you understood what I was to you and what you were to me, and nothing was going to stop you from getting through to me.

It took everything falling apart for things to get better. I thought I had nothing going for me, the pressure choked me, and I snapped. I yelled at Rin when he tried to help. I grew impassive toward Nagisa’s and Rei’s feelings toward their friendships with me. And I fought with you. I said nasty, deplorable things to you, my closest friend, when you were only trying to better me as well as yourself, to better us and what we were to each other.

You were the final straw, the last person to hold out when it came to telling me what I needed to hear. And I was terrified and angered by it. You were supposed to be _the one,_ you know? I ran from you, but you were still there at the airport when Rin and I came back from Australia. You still smiled and welcomed me home despite all that I’d done to you.

I think that was when I realized I was in love with you.

Granted, some part of me had always known. I don’t think there was a time when I didn’t love you. I just didn’t let myself think about it. So much had changed, and I couldn’t bear the thought of my perception of you morphing, or yours of me. That day at the airport, I realized that no matter what I did, no matter how things changed, nothing was going to make you leave.

So, I followed you to Tokyo, because you had done your part. You saved me, and it was my turn to make sacrifices for you, to help you as you had helped me. Of course, being with you was and never will be a sacrifice. It’s really a necessity at this point, and I’m grateful I’ve earned the privilege.

I actually don’t know what I did. I’m not sure if you know this, Makoto, but I’m an awful person compared to you. It’s difficult for me to be open, and it causes problems in all of my relationships. My sense of humor is peculiar at best, and usually you’re the only one who knows when I’m joking. I’m blunt, and while some people can appreciate that, I often encounter those who just assume I’m an asshole.

And then there’s you. I don’t think there’s a single person in this world that wouldn’t immediately want to be your friend. You wear your heart on your sleeve. You’re open and wonderfully warm in every way. The lengths you would go to protect and care for those you love are immeasurable. I won’t go into how ridiculously attractive you are, because while it’s your job to believe the things that I won’t for myself, it’s mine to do the same for you.

Maybe you deserve better. I _know_ you deserve better, but another one of my hateful qualities is that I’m selfish. Someday I’ll make it to that place where I understand and believe that I’m all you want, that you’re happy enough just being at my side, but today is not that day. And don’t you dare worry about it, Makoto. This is my problem, my own insecurity, and you’ve taken on enough of my worries to last a lifetime.   

What I can say with certainty is that no one loves you the way I do. No one saw you through the awkward stages of puberty, when your legs seemed to hold some grudge against you, as I did. They didn’t hold your hand after nightmares of drowning, as I have. They didn’t let you hide behind them when you were scared as I did, even after you grew taller than me.

Sentimental rambling aside, I think that’s actually why I started writing this letter, to tell you that I love you.

When Nagisa and Rei visited the other day, their emotions were written all over their faces. If Nagisa wasn’t saying, “I love you,” then Rei was filling the void, and I know that’s just the kind of people they are, but I still couldn’t help but feel guilty, because I don’t tell you nearly enough.

I love you, Makoto. Deeply, irrevocably, completely and utterly out of my mind. I’m so out of my depth it’s laughable, but you have a way of making things easier for me, so loving you has never been a challenge. I really do hope that everyone in this world can say that they fell in love with their best friend as I did, because the ease, the sense of belonging and _rightness,_ can only be understood through experience.

People like us and Nagisa and Rei don’t have the words to tell anyone else. It’s something they have to learn for themselves. It’s a shame, actually. I really hope Rin will realize that, at this point in time, it’s okay to focus on more than just the gold.

I’ll probably make some excuse to leave the apartment after I finish writing this. Make no mistake that I do want to be here when you read it, but I’ll probably make myself sick with anxiety if I stay, and that’s partially what I’m trying to avoid with this letter.

When you’re ten, they call you a prodigy. At fifteen, you’re a genius. But once you’re twenty, you’re just as normal as everyone who came before you. I believed that when I was a kid, you know. And when I turned twenty, I still believed it.

But today is your day, and you’re just as extraordinary as you were the day I first met you. You’ve never been normal to me, Makoto, and you certainly aren’t now. You’ve proven me wrong yet again. Age really is just a number. Whether or not we stay influential is up to us.

And I think it’s safe to say you’ll never stop inspiring me to be better.

Happy birthday, Makoto.

Haruka


End file.
